Genuinely funny Jokes guaranteed to make you laugh
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a
bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky
and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"And what does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I
can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I
suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you pillock Someone has stolen our
A group of astronaughts are on the moon. They've been mining the surface, and have
discovered that it really is made of cheese.
One particular area of cheese that they're quite interested in is a large vein of brie, and
they've already been there twice, and collected samples to be returned to mission control.
All of a sudden, the radio crackles into life: "Mission control to cheeseZbaseZone Z we need you
to get a third load of that brie "
But the astronaughts are unhappy with the idea. They try to come up with all sorts of excuses
why they shouldn't dig any more...
"It'll spoil the environment if we take too much. We don't want to leave this place looking
"After all Z have you ever seen such a site in your life as brie mined thrice?"
Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation. His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man." The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
Jim, Scott and Alex are tired after traveling all day and check into a hotel. When they get to reception, they find out they'll have to walk 75 flights of stairs to get to their room because the elevator is out of order. Jim suggests that they do something interesting to pass time while they walk the 75 flights. Jim will tell jokes, Scott will sing songs, and Alex will tell sad stories. So Jim tells jokes for 25 flights, Scott sings songs for 25 flights and Alex tells sad stories for 24 flights. When they reach the 75th floor, Alex tells his saddest story of all, "Guys, I left our room key at reception."